maybe now is th right time.. but..who???

lol..its been so long d i haven't post anything in my blog..been damn too bz..n im just too tired d wif stuff happen in my life lately..

urmm..for all this time..
for almost 18 years..
i never really care about this love thingy..
i try to pull my self as far away from love..
i never want my self to stuck in love or relationship..
it just doesnt make sense to me..
i always ran away from love..
im just scared to put my self in any relationship..

and now.. i just have this funny feeling inside..for the first time i feel alone.. n im jealous when i saw my fren wif their bf/gf...i have no idea why..but i have to admit the feeling i felt inside me..and now i just too confused..

for all this time, i always be peoples cupid's..i always help ppl in their relationship..but not my own..i cant help myself in this case..and i dont know who can help me..

im just confused...

how am i suppose to know if i love someone?
what am i suppose to feel when im in love?
and how am i suppose to noe dat he is da right guy for me?

for all this while..when a guy fren which are close to me confess their love..
doesnt matter how close we used to be before..
but once he said he likes or loves me..
everything will just end like dat..pooooffff..
and i hate when dat happen..

im not being mean..but when a guy confess to me.. the only things dat pop up to my mind is..
can i trust him? do i really love him? how if it doesnt last?
i always try not to give any answer..n just act like usual..but it doesn't work dat way

i dont even know how it feels to be in love..how am i suppose to give any answer.. a yes or a no? coz i dont even noe what i feel for real to that person...is it love or wut? i just dont want to put my self in a relationship dat last fo like one month?? i want to be wif sumone im sure dat i love him n so do he and i noe our relationship can last long..

i just dont want to lost a friend because of love..
dats why i keep saying no till now eventhough i noe it hurts their feeling n sumhow, still our frenship will end coz of this..
n its just da same even if i gave a yes or a no..

somtimes i just wonder..
why friendship cant last longer but not relationship?
and do we have to lose a fren or a relationship?
i hate dat to happen..

n sometimes i just wish i could be everyone's fren so i wont hurt my self or anybody..

now..i dunnoe who to choose between them..its just hard n confusing..i duwan to hurt nobody..

n sumone tell me what is love??

NO WAY im cutting my hair short..

last night im suppose to go for my dancing class...but then still too tired to move around..coz of the medicine, it really make me tired..mangkuk! so i texted abg wan..i told him im having bad headache (which is true)..thank god he said okay..so yeah..i missed one class..n the next class, it surely gonna be a big mess...the step is hard kay..thankgawd the payment is good..(i noe azz will say i gila duit again) haha...

so diz morning..i have to wake up early coz i have appointment wif da dr at 9.30am.. then ada theraphy at 10.30am..(which gonna be like goddamn damn bored)...so i went to loh guan lye..my dad just drop me coz he had to do some work..so i went to see the dr alone..and guess what..i met Soon Ee there waiting to see da doctor..i was like..omg!.. what she's doing here...then she pon asking me da same thing..lol. we r there to see da same dr ..funny..bcz on da day i was in hospital.i saw pn asmimi n mr tan...n some sggs gurl...it lagi so OMG..its like so bnyak ppl i knew in dat hospital..malu kayh...dush dush..n my number was 4308..gila lama waiting for my turn kay..soon's is 4310..but then the number dun reli go in sequence..it go upside down wan..sakit hati tuggu lyk gila..ask soon about it..lol

so i went to see da doctor..my blood pressure today is drop even lower, the normal reading is 120, 80....mine is 80, 60.....n da dr quite worry wif dat coz its dropping evendo im taking the medication..(but im not dat worry pon) sweat...n coz my headache is getting even worst..da dr ask me to cut my hair short! i was lyk..wth? no way! im not cutting my hair, not even an inch..then da doctor said..it just a suggestion, coz it might help to reduce my headache..(my hair is quite thick so thats da reason)..i was lyk...(faking my smile) yeaa...i'll think bout it... lol. there's no way im cutting my hair short.. seriusly i wont...

im back home...=)

lol..dunnoe wut to write nie...i do da blog pon coz kath mia pasal la..dush dush kath.. =)

hurmm...i just got back from loh guan lye yesterday.. i stayed there for 3 days since last monday n its gila damn bored. seriusly its killing me. thank gawd coz yanie n anip coz came visit me all da tym n teman me (evendo they din bring any buah tgn for me) huhu... but still..i love them..=)..n anip begong gile..keep teasing me n cari pasal. he even go tell the nurse that i curi kluar from hspital (i went dinner ngan my mom)..dush dush him. thank gawd the nurse like dun reli care..phewwh..the nurse pown sma bngong..xp

the fers day i went for mri...n it really are freak me out..i feel like being in a cofffin..they put me in there for like 35 minutes n i cant even move an inch..n it really noisy in there so they played some music to cover up the noise..(but still it doesnt help dat much, i cant hear the music pon coz the noise is even louder).. n once i get out from the mri i fainted..dunnoe wat happen actually..feel reli dizzy..the dr said its normal..dun care la..so while waiting for the result..they send me to my room..n my dad was wif me..n guess what.. my "roomates" is this two old lady...i mean lyk reli old one... kinda pity them..we talked few times..but i cant understand them n so do they, so i went like...' yea..a'ah..ooo...okay...no..yea..reli?..orait..'*smile* phewhh..sweat..-_-".. n the nurse there lagi so omg. my parent reli pissed wif da nurse..they all dun even noe wut they are doing pown..like..wth? n then on da 2nd day i went for eeg...(dunnoits eeg or wut it is call..not sure) its to determine gelombang otak thingy ..sumthing like dat la.. through that test they found out the coz of my sickness..but then it wasnt that serius.. so the next day they send me for theraphy for like half n hour..then i went back to my room, my mom pack all my things n at last im leaving da hospital!!!yay me!! haha..if im not mistaken the mri n eeg test cost almost rm 1500..n dat doesnt include other payment yet..lol




b4 i went back..we (me n my mom) went to rumah p.ramlee...to the kelab kesenian n kebudayaan penang..we met encik wan kamarudin..(i call him abg wan).. when he saw me..n he asked me to join this kkj (kelab kebudayaan jabatan) under him..coz i have the basic...fersly my mom was lyk..u seriusly nak go join? i wasnt dat sure dat tym..then abg wan told me..if i join..i'll get allowance at least RM400 every month..n the amount will be increases every month if we (as in a group) did quite well.. n it can be up to RM700 per month..n dat doesnt includes payment for the show we will do.. i was lyk..' i wan t to join! i want to join! i want the $$money..n my mom pown was lyk..yea tasha..go join!! hahaha... so i went for da class last nyt..but then dun reli go to practice the dance pown..i baru went out from hospital in the morning..n im still weak last nyt so abg wan ask me to sit, rest n watch fers.. thank god he is so damn nice n understanding...so just watch them practicing n i tried to follow few steps too..but then mmg sriusly damn tired..it finished almost at 10

n yea..azirah ask me to join her go find any job..but my dad did not allow me to go working..my mom pown..but then i bjaya pujuk them..so yay!! haha..but they was lyk..u dun have to go work la..just stay at home..u keep sakit n nak go work sumore??....but still...i wanted to go find any job..but then dunnoe where..sweat..but now, afta i join the kkj, i dun think i need to go find any job coz i got enough money without doing any work..all i need to do is just go practice the dance n perform it...n i got the payment..n its good enough for me...